moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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