My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
