I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
