i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
