we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
