I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
