I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
