im six kinds of drunk right now
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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