One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
