Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Your face is a jimmy john
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
