the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
