My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
