just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he puts the penis in happiness.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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