I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
