Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
