Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my shit smells like andre
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
