for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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