Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
