exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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