You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He? As in you personified your dick?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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