plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
