Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
