I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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