I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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