I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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