Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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