I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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