I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
