I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
