At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
