I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
