Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think i got beer on your cat.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
