Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
