I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
