You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
