I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
