too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
