your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
