He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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