my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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