shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
