Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
