I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
