just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
