It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
