When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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