I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
