so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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