saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
