It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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