Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
