does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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