Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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