I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
