So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
