I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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