I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm like, not good at living.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
