my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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