how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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