All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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