i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
